Writing for Yourself

I think it's easy for things to get lost in the constant give and take of day-to-day existence.

That's a dramatic way to say we do a lot for people. Many artists find it difficult to keep up with commissions. Many people who get involved in their craft for their career get lost in the numbers. It's happened to Youtubers for too long. You know, those videos titled 'I need a break.' Without title casing? It's a literal sentence.

And I think it's a true sentence for many people.

Now that I'm going to college in the next few months, I'm spending some days reflecting on who I am. Without people, I mean. My girlfriend, friends, we're all going our separate ways (at least for a little bit) and that means rewiring. Finding myself, the me, without them. It's no secret I have a few codependency issues (only child syndrome), so I'm trying to fix that.

It doesn't mean distancing myself from them. It's the little things. Small walks with the dog. A quiet cup of coffee. Drawing. Eating dinner with my parents. Normal stuff, really.

I think creativity has to do with this too.

I often get wrapped up in having to share my work. Whether it be a collaborative project, or posting for my internet friends, or Tiktok, whatever...a lot of it gets lost in translation. Writing to please someone, like continuous letters, constantly sent.

And I think I forget why I like writing sometimes. Sometimes.

Then, I thought of Emily Dickinson. Funny right? Some Victorian woman learned about in my AP lit class, instigated this whole spiral. The thing about her is this: she never chose to publish her work. It was all her thoughts, her voice, for her. A few gifts here and there, yeah, but it was for her.

I want to get better at that.

So, I might try journaling again, or something. Maybe once I get all that scrapbook stuff for Christmas it could be some decorative thing. I have too many blank notebooks as it is, so it might be a good start.

Writing for me. Without expectation. Without critique. Without another voice. Something unpublished.

I want to get better at that.